Futurama: BiNonsensical Man
by Squirrel Guy
Summary: The Professor replaces parts of his body with machines so he can live as long as he wants. Told in the viewpoint of the villain. PG-13 for language, crude humor and some violence.
1. Default Chapter

Futurama- Bi-Nonsensical Man  
  
Written by Andrew Kaiko  
  
Guest-starring Robin Williams as the Head of Robin Williams, Kenneth  
Quarkle, and various extras  
  
  
  
Here's my first fan fiction of a made-up episode in the animated television show Futurama, from the same creator as The Simpsons. I do not own the characters and all related subjects. All Futurama characters, names, likenesses (ha ha! Likenesses! Heh heh h-h-heehhhh. Ahh. *AHEM!*) and all other subjects are TM and © FOX and it's parent, affiliate and subsidiary companies.  
  
NOTE: To those die-hard Futurama-heads who take every little detail in the show seriously, keep in mind that there may be some inconsistencies I include by ACCIDENT, due to the fact that I am NOT as die-hard a Futurama follower as I used to be. To give you an idea, I have seen all of Season 1, about half of Season 2, and sporadic numbers of episodes from the following Seasons. Given that there were about 4 Seasons in all, please tolerate any possible plot hole or weak point in my story, for they are due to having not seen a crucial episode that contradicts those specific plot points. PLEASE do not criticize me if there are points in the story that contradict what was indicated in a particular episode, because I DO NOT MEAN to make them! Thank you so much!  
  
Futurama Theme Sequence Activated!  
  
Opening card: "Digital handbook for the Cryogenic Kind"  
  
Two-second clip of Homer strangling Bart on billboard screen, and then to the opening credits.  
  
Created by Matt Groening  
  
Developed by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Year 3002. New New York City. It was a pretty good place to be, if you could tolerate Neptunian Slug and Robot Rights. Yep, it takes many a brave human to live here, and that's just what the Planet Express delivery service had to offer- primitive, unspoiled human scum to slave themselves to your command!  
  
Headed by Professor Hubert Farnsworth, his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great uncle, Fry of the Stupid Ages, and their captain, the cyclopean space damsel Leela, they are the few, the proud, the delivery service!  
  
Thanks to my superior mind, I would start by telling you my ingenious plan to kill them all and cease control over Earth, but I won't. That's for next week. Instead, today, we find our insignificant apes taking a break from work, and attending the studio in LA where the popular television game show, Celebrity Head-Off, was filming! The Professor himself had the fortunate winning ticket to go play on the show, and the others were there to root for him from the audience.  
  
"Go, Professor! You can do it! You only have one more question to go before you win the game!" shouted Fry.  
  
Bender, their immoral robot, added, "Yeah! Let's see you kick that opponent's ass!"  
  
"Speaking of.," Fry dashed off to the washroom.  
  
The opponent was the famous 20th Century celebrity, the head of Robin Williams, placed atop the opposite alter. A device was rigged on one side of his tank so he could press the buzzer in time. The score was 95 to 95, and the point of the game was to reach 100 points before the game ended. To end the game, you had to answer a certain number of questions correctly, or when the time was up and the player with the higher points won.  
  
The Professor's heart was beating at a quick 10 beats per minute! Wow, was he nervous! But he was highly scholared, so this last question should be a synch!  
  
Your host, Kenneth Quarkle, said, "Okay! We're on the winning stretch, Ladies and Germs!"  
  
"You're telling me," said the giant Germ, flanked by his Ladies.  
  
"Let's see if brains can beat fame in the final round of Celebrity Head- Off! Are you ready, Professor Farnsworth?"  
  
"OoOoOoo, as ready as I'll ever be!"  
  
"And are you ready, Mr. Williams?"  
  
The head spoke, "Lay it on me, Kenneth!"  
  
"OKAY! The last question is: what color was the slug's tongue on McKinley, the transparent planet, before it died out?"  
  
The Professor choked. "Ooh, come on! You know this one! Think! Think!"  
  
But the buzzer went off on the head's side first, who said, "If I remember correctly, the answer is clear!"  
  
Quarkle remarked, "So, what is it?!"  
  
"That's the answer!" replied the head. "It was clear! As in, transparent!"  
  
"THAT'S RIGHT! MR. WILLIAMS GETS A BRAND NEW CAR!"  
  
William's head cheered for himself. "Wooo! Ha ha!"  
  
The Professor couldn't believe his hearing aid. He couldn't even move a muscle.  
  
"And as for you, Professor, you know what all losers in this game get, riiiight? A TOUR OF THE RUINS OF OLD LOS ANGELOS! IN THE SEWERS!"  
  
A trapdoor immediately opened below the Professor, and he didn't have time to react as he was dropped downward out of the studio and into the sewers! Leela heard a loud crash!  
  
Fry just came back from the bathroom and rushed back to his seat, hitting several people, robots and aliens in the heads. "Leela! Leela! What happened? Who won? Did the Professor win?!"  
  
Leela was shocked at what she just saw. "No! He lost!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"To Robin Williams!"  
  
The entire audience screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
-  
  
Back at the Planet Express, Amy was busy fixing the kitchen shelf above the sink, which was about to fall off its plate. She was struggling to fasten it with a hammer, and even though she was sweating, she was still making some progress. She cursed something in Chinese.  
  
Dr. Zoidburg dashed into the kitchen and said, "What was that suspense- increasing noise?!" He saw the shelf fall down and various cans topple out onto the floor. "Oh nooooo! My preeecious fish eggs! Ooooh, and they were sooo yoooooung!" To which he then gobbled them up to ease his pain.  
  
The door hatch flew open, and the rest of the Planet Express crew wearily dragged in the Professor, who was now in a wheelchair (although now, it was called a hover-chair), and his right arm was in a cast. He was droning slowly, "OoohohoOoOOOoOoOOoooo." Leela and Amy went to comfort him and patted him (veeeeeeeeeeery gently) on the back.  
  
"Professor, the kitchen shelf just broke while you were out and I've been trying to fix it!"  
  
"OhohoohoooooOOOOoo." He was still droning aimlessly, expressing his concern.  
  
"Auh! Is he even listening to what I'm saying?" she asked Bender.  
  
Bender replied, "Eh, you need to allow time for him to react."  
  
"Bender!" said Leela, pushing the hover-chair. "That's not a very nice thing to say!"  
  
"Aw, shucks. Warn't nothin'."  
  
"OhoohohoOOooo, I'm a failure! Why couldn't I answer that last question in time? Why?" He overly-dramatized "why" in an arm-flaring extreme posture.  
  
Fry was the last one to enter the room. "Wow, the Professor's really beating himself up this time! It isn't the first time he felt old too!"  
  
Leela added, "Yeah. Remember how his clone told him he was too old to be a successful scientist and he turned himself in when Death came and guided him to the morgue?"  
  
The Professor added, "I DID get his phone number! He gives a great back massage too! OoOOOoooo, but Death is a thing of the past now. Now I know I won't have much more time until I write my will."  
  
Leela replied, "But you wrote that 60 years ago! Oh, you can't die on us now, Professor! You own this whole business and the ship, you gave all off us jobs, and you're SO GOOD at making everyone else realize how very, very, very YOUNG they are!"  
  
"But what else can I do? I've tried all my latest inventions, and all I got were an additional 45 years. Ooo, uh, which reminds me! I must write my will, lest I should I forget!"  
  
Leela's eye half closed, as she was not amused.  
  
Bender leaned against the wall, smoking his cigar. "Too bad you're not a robot. You'll never die! 'Course, you'd never be alive in the first place, but hey, who's keepin' track, right?"  
  
They all turned toward the useless robot that didn't seem to notice their reaction. Everyone had his or her mouths wide open, not out of insult, but out of astonishment.  
  
Leela yelped, "Bender! What an outrageous idea!" Then she smiled and said, "Thank you!"  
  
Bender suddenly jolted into attention and acted as though he just did something nice. "Aaah! What?! What idea?! Who?" He accidentally bit his cigar!  
  
"We can surgically replace the Professor's life-determining organs with machines! He'll be able to sustain his life span to as long as he wishes! And he'll be happy again in a day!"  
  
Fry blinked. "A day?! Doesn't surgery take weeks?"  
  
"Maybe in the 20th Century, it did."  
  
"And I thought you didn't have control over when you died!"  
  
"Well, I think it was 2956 when the doctor named Frederic Robbs finally invented an artificial heart with a control device that you can set to how long you want to live! It disposed of senior citizen's anxieties, and helped them plan out their retirement and the rest of their lives easier!"  
  
Bender then composed himself, taking out another cigar out of his chest compartment. "Oh well, if you said it was a good idea, that'll be five bucks a piece!"  
  
The Professor brightened and said, "Why, that IS an outrageous idea! I wonder why I didn't think of it first." He paused for about 15 seconds and said, "THE KITCHEN SHELF!! THANKS FOR TELLING ME SO PROMPTLY!" He inched himself to the kitchen to fix it, leaving his speechless comrades.  
  
-  
  
Meanwhile, in the vast, infinite reaches of outer space, I, the most terrifying and most threatening creature of all time, heard of the news through my television set (hey, even monstrous aliens need their SciFi channel) and took action IMMEDIATELY! Surely, with the most ancient and mature mind of the entire planet Earth (Fransworth) combined with the most up-to-date technology provided, I would certainly be overthrown in the galaxy as Most Brilliant Alien Inventor in the Galaxy!  
  
Who did he think he was? Attempting to live forever? I alone knew the TRUE meaning of immortality, and no one else ever knew the secret to eternal youth! NO ONE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  
  
But I didn't crackle madly yet- that should be saved for the climactic ending! No, I kept all my excitement within my alien body, put on my space coat, kissed the Misses good-bye, and SAUGHT ORDER TO MY PLANET! Heading off into the farthest reaches of space, stopping for gas here and there, I managed to reach Earth undetected by human scum eyes, and shrunk myself to resemble an innocent human pet (what's it called again? I can't remember. pog? Dug? Oh at any rate, I resembled some innocent furry creature! That's what's important! Yes!).  
  
I started to wander about the streets when I targeted the captain of Pizza Express, walking that monster of a pet of her's! She wasn't alone- another female was walking along side her- so I carefully timed the right moment for me to jump out of a dark alley, and be noticed!  
  
The captain's friend said, "Oh look! It's a homeless little dog! Oh, the poor thing's probably starving and unhealthy! Leela! Can-"  
  
"The answer is no, Amy. Nibbler here is a handful around work as it is."  
  
"Aww, pleeeeeeeeeeease?"  
  
The captain who dubbed herself Leela paused and finally said, "Well, he is awfully cute."  
  
Nibbler took offense to that.  
  
"Oh, alright. But only until he's healthy enough for Nibbler to eat him."  
  
"He can't eat him! Leela, we can at least try to find it's owner! With the internet embedded into our homes, it should only take 3.14 seconds!"  
  
"Bender wouldn't like it, but okay. Only until we find the owner, and no more."  
  
The two females placed me along side the creature they called Nibbler. Nibbler, to my horror, I recognized as the one who would stop me if I wouldn't watch my step! He growled at me with his 53 teeth in his mouth, and I couldn't tell if it was out of jealousy or because he knew I knew his deep, deep secret!  
  
Soon, we were at the Express headquarters, and then I started to draft out my plan forthwith! And oh, wouldn't that Farnsworth be horribly terrified when I, still the Most Brilliant Alien Inventor in the Galaxy, upheld that glorious title above ALL OTHER RACES! Oh, yes, when the time had come, VICTORY WOULD BE MINE! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
And now, onward with the puny, self-centered heroes.  
  
-  
  
The sign above the entrance said, "Cornell, VI Hospital- Now Serving Third World Species". The original complex had been preserved, but so many new additions had been added onto it that many people didn't know it was the same building! The reason for the additions were that science had advanced so much that new space had to be added for the new machines.  
  
"Wow," said Fry, while they were in the waiting room. "You'd think that technology had advanced so much that machines would get microscopic instead of taking up MORE space!"  
  
Bender replied, "Trust me, you do NOT want to know where the microscopic machines ended up workin'!" He quivered violently at the thought!  
  
The Professor, still in the hover-chair, said, "Well, now that I'm going to hand my body under the doctors' will for the next few hours, I'm afraid there won't be any 'good news' for some time now."  
  
"No deliveries?"  
  
"Why, no! I've already notified the media that Planet Express is out of service, so you all can stay alive to hold the fort."  
  
A robot nurse hovered over to the three and said very suspenseful, "Professor, the doctor. eez READY for YUUUUU. MWAHAHAHHAHAHA!"  
  
"OoOoOo, fun! See you sooner or later, youngins!"  
  
He was dragged by the robot down a hallway, which looked a bit TOO suspicious- it was the only one with blown-out lights on the ceiling and was covered in cobwebs, goo, and empty disguarded needles.  
  
Still, Fry seemed completely oblivious to the signs. "See ya' later!"  
  
Bender muttered, "Good riddance."  
  
"What?"  
  
"OH! I mean, SEE YOU LATER TO-OO!" Bender exaggerated his cutesy remark.  
  
"So Bender, what's it like being half-robot?"  
  
"I don't really know. I've never been any percentage of human before, so I can't tell. You DO get a sudden urge to get drunk, smoke, jack on, make out, and party all night long with the chicks and get a hangover, so."  
  
"So it's not much different!"  
  
"Yeah! Yeah!" And then he muttered to himself. "Good riddance. Heheheheheh."  
  
(commercial break) 


	2. Chapter 2

Futurama- Bi-Nonsensical Man  
  
Guest-starring Robin Williams as various extras  
  
Written by Andrew Kaiko  
  
  
  
I do not own the characters and all related subjects. All Futurama characters, names, likenesses and all other criteria are TM and © FOX and it's parent, affiliate and subsidiary companies. Steal and thou shall face the consequences! Mwahahahahaaaa!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
"Good news, everyone!" said a familiar voice outside the door.  
  
Everyone groaned to himself or herself and leaned over the meeting table to what they were expecting, but instead they were in for a big surprise! A cranking sound echoed from outside the doorway, and when a shiny silver figure appeared, everyone gasped.  
  
After the Professor's operation, he had changed somewhat. His injured right arm, his complete lower body, and various portions of his head were replaced by a complex array of wires, buttons, metal, plastic, buzzing and cranking! He had no use for a hover-chair anymore- his legs were so strong they could now run at a full 100 mph! Having parts of his body turned into a machine made him resemble an aged Two-Face meets the Terminator!  
  
His actions, voice and mannerisms appeared to be ordinary, although everyone was aware of the Professor's sudden alertness and extraordinary memory! His speech was notably clearer. I, secretly, was disguised as a dog that was sitting atop the meeting table. I took note of all these advances in my arch nemesis, and grimaced to myself at the very sight of him! Oooh, how we will face his fate one day!  
  
"Well, what do you think?"  
  
Leela was the first to speak. "W-w-well, Professor. I. I can't tell if it's an improvement or a hindrance."  
  
Hermes Conrad adjusted his glasses. "My God, ya look like a wrinkly California Raison afta' Spring Break Mon!"  
  
Fry and Bender were too preoccupied watching the news on TV.  
  
"In other news today, the President of Earth has issued an international thievery watch, as many various prized possessions were reported stolen in just about every country of the globe. Isn't that right, Morbo?"  
  
"MORBO THINK SILLY HUMANS MUST BURN ALL MACHINES TO END SUCH SELFISHNESS!"  
  
"A-hahahahaha! Well, that's all for this hour's update. And stay tuned at eleven for sports, when the Yankees play against the New Jersey. well. enough about that topic."  
  
Hmmm. So, the humans have already noticed the items I took to plan my anticipated all-out mania on the Professor! I wasn't expecting this- Earth was cleverer than I though! Hmmm.  
  
Clank, clank, clank went the Professor's legs as he walked over to Fry and Bender and stopped in front of the TV screen. "Hey, Professor!" shouted Bender. "Move your ultra-shiny metal ass! We were watchin' the freakin' news!"  
  
Fry retorted, "Don't worry, Bender. I think it's the FX or SciFi channel now. See, the thirty-eighth Terminator movie's on."  
  
"Boys, don't you notice anything different about me?"  
  
"Or is it Son Of The Nephew Of Robocop VII?"  
  
"I'm not part of the TV, you youngin'! I got a new body!"  
  
"Cool, it's interactive! I love the future!"  
  
"I got it specifically custom-made so I can still carry out all of my ordinary functions and I don't have to worry about winding up to kick the bucket! I've set my life box to empty out on June 11th, 3050, right after I expect to get my Senile, Geezer Scientist's Award!"  
  
"BOR-ring! Let's change the channel! Hmm, the remote doesn't seem to be working."  
  
Bender said, "Eh, forget it, old man. Fry's too hypnotized by the TV screen to even realize it's you. Right, Fry?"  
  
"Can't. Talk. Must. Watch. Flickering. Light."  
  
The Professor was growing impatient that he wasn't getting recognition from his great uncle. Curiously, his right mechanical eye started to glow red. "You listen to me, Fry! If my new body doesn't attract your attention, then what do I do?! Show up on TV?!"  
  
"Is this an oldie? I hate those animated 2990's cartoons! They all think they know so much about mixing humor and science fiction? Ho-ho, boy, were they wrong!"  
  
-  
  
I sensed that the Nibbler creature was growing more and more suspicious of me as the time went on. He always had that stern look whenever he faced me, and his teeth appeared to grow longer! He acted so innocent in front of all the other crewmembers, the sly devil! And to make matters more complicated, the domestic overseers mistook our diabolical suspicions for meer pet rivalry. Or perhaps, yeeeeees, perhaps that was a good sign, for it was easy enough for me to keep the owners off-track from my REAL plans! Yes, yes! I may have finally met my best opponent in Nibbler.  
  
Second from the Professor, that is! For three days straight, as my plan was developing more and more, the overseers failed to pinpoint my fictitious home! Just as I had suspected, and as most operations have on frail humans, everyone noticed more changes in the Professor. Due to side- affects, he was acting different than the first day after the appointment- a bit less connected with his comrades, less interested in the smaller pleasures of life, and the glare from both his eyes, even when covered behind those thick lenses, had the look of a time bomb ready to burst at any moment!  
  
Let me take this time to discuss what it is about the Professor I DESPISE! I mentioned earlier that the flesh wad is my arch nemesis because he now plans on having control over his dying day by being taken over by a machine! If there was one flaw I researched on humans, it was that they sinned from taking control over such things as Time and Space! How foolish! Time and Space is far larger than anything THEY would ever take control over! Everything about them is a power struggle! They believe the only way to great success is a higher job, control over one's life, and complete and total SATISFACTION!!!  
  
The universes don't work that way, boys! Did you ever consider why humans are born crying? Why babies are born with grasping and sucking reflexes? Why they must learn to give to one another instead of instinctively give? And why it's sooooo hard for them to break these habits?! As mentioned, it's all about POWER and WANT! The very fact that humans are born with these things PROVES that they will NEVER escape the Seven Deadly Sins, and shall ALL PERISH!  
  
My alien race is not born crying, sucking and grasping! We are born sleeping! Our mothers do NOT have use for milk, so females of my species have no breasts! Yes, we are ALL programmed to think about ourselves! We do nothing for anyone else, and live our lives in solitary confinement. Those that fail to achieve such things are considered abnormal in our culture, and are disposed of immediately!  
  
The Professor, on the other hand, has SHOWN, by this act of physical disembodiment, that all he wants is POWER OVER TIME! He has wasted his life on bookish sensibilities, wanting more and more knowledge, wanting more success in the mysterious fields of Science! His operation was, for me, the straw that broke the camel's back, and I now realize he needs to be gotten rid of NOW!  
  
Not a bad lecture from a dog, eh?  
  
Ah yes, the dog disguise was ingenious on my part, despite some disadvantages, such as the other members treating me like one.  
  
"Fry, it's your turn to take the dog outside."  
  
"Aw, Leela! I just brought Zoidburg outside, and his two hours aren't up yet!"  
  
And let's not forget that annoying Naming Game.  
  
"So what should we name him, Bender? Fido?"  
  
"Will you cut that cliché crap?! He looks like a healthy, damper lad! How about Steed?"  
  
"Cuddles!" said Amy.  
  
"Sebastian!" cried Hermes.  
  
"Santa's Widdle Hewper!" said Zoidburg, to everyone's confusion. "What, it's a good name! Sooooo useful!"  
  
Fry told them in a deep-pan attitude, "Fido. Got it."  
  
"Aw, Sahndy Pahnts!" said Hermes.  
  
D'ooooh, those imbeciles! Well, no matter! Soon after that, my plans to overthrow the Professor were soon complete! It was just a matter of waiting for the right time.  
  
-  
  
Bender led the Professor into the local Robot Gymnasium. Bender was wearing shorts, a T-shirt with the sleeves torn off, and a whistle around his neck. "Okay, Rookie, the first thing about being a robot is that you need to get in shape! Even robots need their weekly sharpening now and then."  
  
"But I always gave you oil and alcohol when you need sharpening."  
  
"Well, you're forgetting that your body's new, and I'm a full 5 and a half years old! So respect your elders, ya' got dat?! New bodies need immediate care! Okay, let's get ready to rumble!" He pressed down his antennae to reveal a boom box that rose out of his tummy. His hands were retractable to reveal speakers on the two sides. "Hope you like Simmons."  
  
"WeEeEll, actually, I-"  
  
"OKAY, AND GO! AND ONE! AND TWO! AND ONE! AND TWO! COME ON, YOU CALL DAT A BURN?! MY PROTOTYPE COULD STRETCH HAMSTRINGS FASTER THAN THAT! AND HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE FEET YET! CUT THE CRAPPY LAZINESS AND WIP IT! WIP IT GOOD!"  
  
The Professor did push-ups, fat burn cycles, cartwheels, spin wheels, steering wheels, jumpin'-jacks-and-outlets, cooled off in the Recharging Room, and was still breaking a sweat after! Bender, meanwhile, had been lying on a floating chair and guzzling down more beer, watching him.  
  
The Professor panted. "H-how did I do?"  
  
"Well, I guess you did alright. But next time, we're going for the serious workouts, and don't try to look so self-conscious all the time! Oh, and uh, is that a dent in your head?"  
  
Little did they both know that I was down in the Planet Express basement, finishing off my great invention to overthrow the Professor once and for all! It was finally complete, and was now ready to operate!  
  
Just between you and me, this device had a built-in computer that had immediate access to the information in the Professor's life box. With this, I could alter the time that the Professor originally had set for his death, and so, with no hesitation, I set the life box from 3048 to 3002! With his dying day approaching sooner, he would become ill!  
  
At that same moment, the Professor suddenly jerked forward and heaved a mighty cough while they were in the locker room!  
  
Bender was putting on his oil-odorant, when he saw him gasp for air, "Oh, man! Professor! Don't get all choked up at my generous coaching now! I mean, I knew I was excellent and all, but-"  
  
"B-Bender! Help. Me-e-e. Walk!"  
  
"Okay, okay! Geez, you're needy!" He supported him under the arms, and helped him walk out of the locker room and outside, still coughing and wheezing. Bender didn't notice that the Professor's right eye again glowed a hot red.  
  
-  
  
The green ship landed back at the Planet Express with time to spare. Fry and Leela raced to the garage to meet the Professor, who seemed to be coughing less and appeared better than at the gym, but was clearly not well.  
  
"Bender, we got your message! What's happened?!"  
  
"He just started coughing when we reached the locker room! Odd, huh?"  
  
"Let's take him to Dr. Zoidburg-"  
  
The Professor, "No! I'm fine, really! I may have just exerted too much energy when I was exercising."  
  
Fry added, "But are you sure it isn't the body? You know, hospitals have only been using that technology just recently! Who knows what side-affects it can cause?"  
  
The next thing happened so fast. The Professor appeared to be possessed under another force (I'm so clever!), as his head suddenly sprang up to meet their eyes with glaring red focus! He looked so angry. Even his voiced had a strange mechanical echo. "I tell you, I'm FINE! You can't tell ME what to do! I'll do whatever I WANT, YOU HEAR?! ANYTHING!"  
  
He broke out from Bender's grasp and started lashing out aimlessly, his arms flaring at nothing in particular in the air! He started to run around, knocking boxes and other crates off of their piles!  
  
Leela called, "Fry! He's out of control! Help me restrain him!"  
  
"Aww, but All My Circuits is on."  
  
"HELP ME, DAMMIT!"  
  
They both struggled and found themselves in a summersault as the Professor's super-strong arm hurled them backward into the ship's feet. Leela called, "Bender! Grab something and hit the Professor in the head!"  
  
"I NEVER thought you'd ASK," he replied delightfully! He grabbed the biggest crate he could find and chased after the Professor around the ship. Bender's arms grew longer and longer, enough to reach the Professor without really getting near him, and he BONKED the crate over the Professor's head! Various sparks and crackling noises emerged out of the metal plates, and the Professor finally stopped and collapsed onto the floor.  
  
"ALRIGHT! BENDER: 1! BI-NONSENSICAL MAN: ZIP-PO!"  
  
-  
  
In Zoidburg's office, I was perched atop the counter underneath the medicine cabinet, watching Zoidburg inspect the man-machine. After a while, the pink crustacean walked out of the room and looked down on the hopeful humans, shaking his head.  
  
He said, "I am soooo sorry! VWahahahahaaaa! Oooooh, how could such an unfortunate accident happen to an old man like him?! I really hate to tell you dis, but de male appears to be covered in a shiny metal exoskeleton, and his breath appears to be out, like a fish floating eeeever so peacefully on the de surface."  
  
Leela added, "Um, you DO know parts of his body were replaced by machines, don't you?"  
  
Zoidburg paused and said, "Oh. Okay, den it isn't as bad as I thought! Whew! Boy, you shoulda' seen da look on MY face vhen-"  
  
"Taking that all into consideration, did you notice anything different?"  
  
"Vell, he DID have an unusually large formation on du right side of his round, shiny head. Like a gigantic pearl with an unusually large formation on du right side of du pearl."  
  
Bender choked for acknowledgement. "Ah-h-hem!"  
  
Fry said, "Dr. Zoidburg, he's been having a compulsive hyperactive behavior all of a sudden! Can you contribute anything to it?"  
  
He replied, "Veeeeeeell, yeeees. If there vas anything wrong with his Life Box dat was recently installed, there's no telling vhat dangers lurk inside of his new chamber! Will de Professor ever recover in time? Will lady friends Fry and Leela see dere dearest love alive again? Will a completely non-suspicious, opposing force, dat we of the Planet Express crew are NOT aware of in ANY way, finally reveal it's true purpose? I DONNO'! I'm just a pink humanoid alien with dreams of making it big in Hollywood! To find out, we will be right back after dese messages!"  
  
"NOW he's freakin' me out! Come the major catastrophe, we get a new doctor!"  
  
"Dis is mutinyyyyyyy!"  
  
(commercial break) 


	3. Chapter 3

Futurama- Bi-Nonsensical Man  
Guest-starring Robin Williams as various extras  
Written by Andrew Kaiko  
  
  
I do not own the characters and all related subjects. All Futurama characters, names, likenesses and all other criteria are TM and © FOX and it's parent, affiliate and subsidiary companies.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
I silently tiptoed into the bedroom of the Professor, who was back in his room, sound asleep, just like he was for the past four days. I was about to proceed into the open, until I abruptly stopped so Bender wouldn't see me.  
  
"'Your turn to watch over the Professor,' they said! 'No use arguing- ya gotta refill his Life Box,' they said! Nag nah nag nah nag! If they were alcoholics, THEY'D understand. Or, could they?"  
  
He opened the Box, poured some beer into it so it could still run, placed the bottles beside the dresser drawers, stole the Professor's wallet, and left.  
  
After that close call, I again tiptoed toward the bed and leaped onto his tummy. My scheme, already in place, would soon be operational once I would again alter his Life Box so he would die approximately an hour later than that moment! And then, the most brilliant, not to mention ancient, scientist on the planet would be no more! And I shall commence my OWN operation- Operation: Take Over The Planet Earth! SUCH A CREATIVE NAME! I WILL BE THE ULTIMATE RULER! HAHAHAHAHA! AND... SUCH! AND ALL IN ONE HOUR!  
  
Aw, heck with it- I'll just kill him now.  
  
Knock, knock! The door!  
  
I dashed underneath the bed, but foolishly tipped over the rest of the beer bottles! All the contents spilled over the Professor's metal abdomen, and were absorbed!  
  
It was that obnoxious Nibbler, who must've heard the crash and came up to investigate! I tried to conceal myself, but it was too late! Nibbler had already notice my tail from under the bed! He looked at the spilt beer all over the Professor, knew what was going on, and raced at me with vengeance!  
  
A cat-and-dog fight ensued, with him winning unfortunately!  
  
"Bender, what is all that racket up there?!" called Leela.  
  
Nibbler was a very good fighter, but not good enough! We stopped in our tracks when Leela, Amy, and Hermes rushed into the Professor's room, just in time to see him abruptly sit up from his bed like John Travolta in Face- Off! They all gasped!  
  
The Professor seemed to have no more control over his conscious mind! Covered in alcohol, circuits sparking, and his eye beaming a strong deep red, he was raving mad! Immediately, he acted like he was having a heart attack and started shoving things off into the floor, like he did in the garage!  
  
"Leapin' Louie! He's bustin' loose!" cried Hermes.  
  
"Quick! To the ship!" Leela ordered.  
  
Just then, the door hatch flew open, and Amy gasped. It was her parents!  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"Amy!" yelled her Dad! "The city appears to be cwumbling fwom owa' fingahs! A cweature dat wesembles Godzilla ees behind it! We have come to tell you dat since it's de end of de world, you must pick a suitable and preferabwy tall, dawk and handsome young male cownta-part to fawda' childwen wit RIGHT NOW!"  
  
Her mom added, "We awso bwought you some of your favawit, embawassing kwothes to wear!"  
  
Amy started to breathe heavily! "Look! Mom, Dad, I am part of the crew that's about to SAVE this city! And the creature that's destroying it is our own Professor! If we don't stop it now, just think! U-u-uh. EVERY HANDSOME MALE IN TOWN WILL DIE!"  
  
Her parents gasped! There appeared to be a lot of gasping in this story! "Why, dat es tewwible! We must come wid you!"  
  
"Uughghgh.," Amy groaned.  
  
Leela was again deadpan. "Are you done? Then. QUICK! TO THE SHIP!"  
  
-  
  
After one split second Batman-esque Planet Express Logo transition, the Professor was rampaging around the city, through the window! The glass debris splattered all over Nibbler and I. Nibbler stopped fighting me and followed after the Professor, while I chased after him.  
  
-  
  
Fry and Bender were back on the couch watching TV, when the rest of the crew raced through the living area to the ship. Leela halted and said to them, "Guys! The Professor's gone crazy! We have to stop him before he runs ramped through New New York!"  
  
"So? It isn't as if it's something we're not prepared for! We stopped Gozilla. We stopped the Blob. We even stopped meteorites, evil villains, King Kong, that giant Pillsburry dude! This shouldn't be anything different!"  
  
Bender replied, "Yeah, we'll stay here and avoid the rush."  
  
"Guys, what do I have to do to get you off your sorry asses?! Put the Professor on TV?!"  
  
She stopped, grinned to herself, and raced over to the ship.  
  
Just then, Zoidburg raced out of his office wearing an orange jumpsuit, swimming flippers and holding a gas mask! "If du world is coming to an end, dey can take my fish eggs, but dey will NEVER take. my FREEDOM!" He put on his gas mask, and followed the rest of the crew.  
  
-  
  
Nibbler was hot on the trail of the Professor, who was currently doing just what Leela had feared: running ramped through the streets of New New York! He wasn't doing it deliberately- he was convulsing in response to his near- death experience! But the people were screaming, the buildings where crashing, the aliens were cheering, the robots were praying to the Robot God, and the sky was a deep orange with red clouds for pure effect and had no relevance to logics of meteorology whatsoever!  
  
-  
  
Something was wrong with the ship! It wouldn't start.  
  
Leela tried the second engine. "Still no good! It can't operate without the first engine!"  
  
Amy replied, "Why don't you try the third engine? .now that we're certain it wouldn't hurt." She then raced to the engine room and told her, "There's the problem! We're out of fuel!"  
  
"Sigh. if only Nibbler was here."  
  
"Where is he, anyway?"  
  
-  
  
The correspondent Linda spoke live on location covering the sudden havoc that erupted across the city. "No one knows where this android came from or what its purpose is, but we've recently received information from a Dr. Wurnstrom that he resembles his still arch rival, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, who just a couple years ago, had taken the confiscated Mad Scientist Award from Wurmstrom after the public became aware that he was a jackass. Back to you, Morbo."  
  
Fry and Bender gasped.  
  
"Holy Harryhausen, Bender! That's the Professor! He's wrecking havoc among the city of New New York, just like the Blob, and that. that giant Pillsburry dude!"  
  
"Well, YEAH! That's what Leela said, isn't it?"  
  
"TO THE PLANET EXPRESS-MOBILE!"  
  
They both pealed themselves off from the couch and raced into the ship, where Leela was still trying to figure out what to do next.  
  
"I have a bad feeling about this, Amy."  
  
"Are you sure it isn't that carbonated beverage we drank for lunch?"  
  
"We need real help, and fast!"  
  
Fry and Bender entered the ship's main room. Leela stared, "Great, now I have a bad feeling about this AND that!"  
  
Fry spoke confidently, "We're here to HELP!"  
  
"Yeah, AND FAST!" added Bender.  
  
She sighed again. "The ship is out of fuel and we need his dark matter to refill it! Have any of you seen Nibbler?"  
  
Fry said, "I haven't seen much of anything today except flickering light. In fact, my legs are cramped from all that walking." He then collapsed without lifting a muscle, with a deadpan expression stuck on his face.  
  
"Okay, you two. The first REAL thing you're going to do today is THINK! How do you suppose we stop him and what seemed to be causing his sudden behavior?"  
  
Bender said, "Well, getting surgery WAS a big risk. I mean, people have only been using that kind of technology for four decades!"  
  
"Wait!" came Fry's voice from the floor. "I have an idea!"  
  
"Careful, Fleshwad. If the Professor were here to hear that, he'd die of shock."  
  
"I saw how they defeated a monster in this movie once! Instead of using weaponry like Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd, they used sympathetic reminders of what he used to be like BEFORE he became a machine! If we can somehow reach the Professor, remind him of his long life and how happy he was, leaving out all the bad parts, he'd possibly snap to attention and walk back to the Planet Express!"  
  
"But we still haven't found an alternative to how we reach him! And besides, you can imagine how hard it would be to leave out all the bad parts!" replied Leela.  
  
Just then, Zoidburg entered the room with the other four, carrying two familiar animals. "Captain, I have caught dese two fugitives trying to escape under your noses!"  
  
"NIBBLER! Oh, what great timing!" she quailed! "Can you excrete dark matter for us to use as fuel?"  
  
Nibbler squeaked something undistinguishable.  
  
"Oh, sorry, guys. He can't do his duty until he's had something to eat. But what?"  
  
Bender replied, "How about Fido here?"  
  
WHAT?! How DARE they use me to help them save the day!!! I was growing impatient, so I used my powers to restore myself into my original form! Ha ha ha! You should've seen the looks on their faces when I rose up from the ground and gave each of them a menacing grin!  
  
(gulp!)  
  
-  
  
Hello, Fleshwads.  
  
Well, I might as well tell all you saps out there the rest of the story, huh? Okay, keep your pants on- here goes Bender!  
  
The Professor eventually earned enough money to get another surgery to get his original body parts back. He's still healing, but says that he learned something! Can you believe it?! The guy never takes a break! It sickens me! He says he learned that it doesn't matter how old he becomes when he dies- he learned to live life as long as he has it! You humans only have one short life, so use it wisely. Fortunately for me, I'll NEVER die, so I can be lazy whenever I want and rub it all in your faces!  
  
Hold on one sec, as I finish my beer here.  
  
Okay, Fry made a promise to Leela that he'd make an effort to watch less TV! Yeah right! Fry and TV are like Blurmsball and Common Sense!  
  
And Leela forgave Nibbler for not listening to him when he was trying to tell her of Fido's true identity, and said that he's the only pet for her.  
  
Now if you'll excuse Mio, Bender needs to wash out his mouth for tellin' you the Crappy Happy Ending! I don't know about you, but I like those episodes that have Sad Endings, like the Titanic one, where I lost my true love in a black hole and discovered that the necklace she gave me was fake!  
  
And how does Bender know about these episodes, you ask? Well, have you 21st Century geeks heard of the Reality TV Channel yet?  
  
Just kiddin'! The truth about that is it's a whole 'nother story! Okay, get outta' here!  
  
(Roll credits) 


End file.
